Content Warning: In this musing I discuss topics of sexuality, sexual activities, and porn. If any of these topics upset you then stop reading here.
I’ve always considered myself to be a straight guy. I’m “attracted” to women, not men. While a particularly impressive male organ might intrigue me, it’s only ever been women that’s been my interest in regards of sex and attraction. I’ve had periods where I’ve consumed a lot of porn, like a lot other people. I’ve spent way too much time practicing “self-love”, again, like many other people.
But, I’ve never really felt an “urge” for it. I’ve definitely spent days, even weeks, in a deep haze of eroticism, only to go completely dry for weeks, not having any kind of urge or interest in sexual activities. I’ve never really reflected on any of this, I’ve been alone for most of my life, never really had any partner or other sexual outlets. But I’ve always been very sure I’m straight. Never questioned it.
Imagine my surprise when my first ever serious relationship is with another guy. To clarify, I do not feel any sexual attraction to him. I do catch myself fantasizing at times, and I have had the odd dream, but no “attraction” in that sense. What makes this interesting is that, of course, he’s basically a nymphomaniac, constantly horny, able to get going with a single thought. While I, in comparison, don’t experience anything of the kind. For sure, I can “make” myself horny, but thinking back it’s not only him, I have never really “just been horny”. I’ve always had to work myself up to it.
I feel a deep, intense, love for him. I want to be with him, cuddle with him, exist with him. I spend as much time as I can with him, even if it means just being there with him, while we do our own things. I might be programming and he might be playing games, and so on. Existing without demanding eachothers attention.
I love him so much that I really can’t imagine life without him again.
Which brings us back to the topic of this musing. His intense need, desire, and urges, has made me really reflect and consider my own sexuality. Or lack thereof.
I love helping him. It gives me an intense mental high to get him off, teasing him, telling stories while he’s at work, and so on. But I never experience any kind of arousal from it, or if I do, it’s very momentary and I never feel an urge or need to finish myself. I can of course get off too, but it takes work. I can’t just whip it out and get going. Which mirrors earlier experiences with women too. Even being in bed with someone I only ever cared about “them”, and not myself. Which in general meant I was never personally aroused.
What I’ve found is that I’m basically an asexual. I don’t care about my own arousal, and I generally don’t experience being “simply horny”. I can, of course, make myself aroused, but it takes an intense amount of work, hours, to reach the same levels of others.
So I’m not sexually attracted to my partner. Then what? This is when I really started to question the standard role of sexuality in our culture, and what it means to romantic relationships.
I love my partner, and as mentioned I can’t even imagine being alone again. I need him. I want to be with him. And I feel an intense desire to give him pleasure. I just don’t feel any interest in myself. I don’t get aroused like that. I don’t experience the same kind of pleasure. Listening to him describe how things feel, even a simple touch is intoxicating. While for me, I don’t think I even “feel” pleasure when masturbating. I don’t know of any part of me that feel better than any other, only that if I do the motions I will, eventually, finish. And while that feels nice, it’s just too momentary of a high for me to keep hunting it. It just takes too much effort for little to no payoff, in a way.
So, I guess I’m.. what’s the terms of today.. demi-romantic asexual? Or something of the kind. Which is funny I guess, and interesting to reflect upon. But hardly groundbreaking.
So what does all this mean? I’m in a very loving relationship. I love my partner. Deeply. I’ve definitely torpedo’ed my sleep over him. And the feeling is very mutual. We love eachother more than we’ve ever loved other people. It’s been almost a shocking experience for the both of us.
And despite our clear differences in sexual attraction and need, he’s been intensely respectful of my lack of them. Which makes me love him even more. Even when he’s at his very most intense state, when his urges threaten to overwhelm him, he’s always taken a step back when I’ve not been able to respond in kind. Eventually accepting that I simply won’t “get off”. He gets to enjoy my attention to him, and I love giving him the attention. In return he fulfills my needs, his presence, his nice words, his support, always encouraging, pushing me forward, helping me, and the comfort of being close to him. That’s what I need. That’s what attracts me to him.
A very close partner, an incredibly deep and loving relationship.
My partner. My love.
I love you.